Diabetes is an invisible condition, yet it plays a significant part in every aspect of my life – 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. It’s a condition that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. It requires so much energy and dedication to manage. Furthermore, no matter how much attention I pay to my diabetes, there is nothing to say that I won’t develop complications from it, in years to come.
For the most part, I have tried to not let diabetes rule my life, or define me. I’ve been given so many opportunities as a result of having diabetes. I’ve met some amazing people and I have a whole new family, thanks to it. On the whole, diabetes doesn’t affect me too much, psychologically.
Maybe for the first time since first being diagnosed, I’ve really been struggling today, with anxiety. Anxiety that has arisen as a result of my sugar levels not playing fair. I’ve been a bit run down lately with ear infections, colds, IBS, blah blah blah. These things don’t usually have much effect on my diabetes, but this week, they are.
This morning I came up against a 19.5. With this reading, I felt nauseous, I felt like I wanted to curl up in a ball and hibernate. Mostly, I just wanted to cry. Heard the phrase ‘sick and tired of being tired and sick’? That sums up how I feel right now.
Aside from the ‘hangover’ from my high levels, I’ve found myself feeling bad about myself, because my sugars have got so high. Why didn’t I remember to check my sugar levels before breakfast this morning? Why did I get what my levels were and just inject 1 correction dose? Did I remember my background insulin last night? I can’t remember.
My stomach is tied up in knots, my legs feel like jelly and I can’t focus on anything else right now. I want my sugar levels to drop. I want this ‘hyper hangover’ to be gone and I want my body to quit fighting, it’s wearing me out.
The one thing I’ve always hated about diabetes is the issue of correcting sugar levels. Being diagnosed as Type 1.5, I spent a year and a half on tablets. From there, I started insulin but appeared to be mega sensitive at times. One unit could bring me down as much as 4 or 5 sometimes, or it would barely move. Today, 2.5 units brought me down from 19 to 6. At the time, I was debating whether to inject 4 units, instead. I’m glad I didn’t. I can never predict how sensitive I’m going to be, so will generally only correct if I’m in my teens. I really hate the thought of injecting too much and swinging the other way. If that happens, the hangover feeling will prolong, and I’ll spend even longer feeling rubbish.
I’ve been trying for the past month to really keep track of my diabetes – I have a very colourful spreadsheet, full of formulae and conditional formatting – I impressed myself, creating it! So what can I see? What can I do? I don’t know, is the answer.
My spreadsheet is covered in red, and the average readings are between 8.8 and 12.6. Looking at it from a distance, I feel I need to up my ratios, but I’m reluctant. I feel uncomfortable with the idea that my body has become more resistant to insulin. Why can’t my body stay the same?
I’m always saying that no one should go through their diabetes on their own, there’s too much for us to think about, without going insane. I’ve spoken to so many people about their experience of diabetes, and everyone has their own worries and issues they try to overcome.
It’s ok to worry about that slice of apple pie you had for dessert. It’s ok to worry about what effect exercise will have on your sugar levels. It’s ok to worry about correcting a high sugar level.
These sorts of worries are often forgotten about, when addressing living with diabetes. This needs to change. We need to feel able to talk about our diabetes worries, not bottle them up because no one else is worrying. They’re not silly things to be worrying about, and you have no need to feel like you shouldn’t be worrying. It’s ok. Chances are, someone is worrying about the same thing, right now.
Today has been a bad diabetes day. I’ve nearly made it through the day so I’m going to stop beating myself up about that 19.5 – it’s just a number, right? For now, I’m going to try to be brave and get those corrective doses in. Oh, and I’m going to stock up on jelly babies for the occasions that I over-treat!