Carrying my deep dark secret

I have a confession to make. I’m currently writing this whilst at work, which is something I’m not allowed to do. However, at the moment, it’s a case of writing this, or breaking down in tears. I’ve found that my writing is the only thing that’s keeping me going, these days. I’ve written a lot of posts over the past couple of weeks, about how I’m feeling. I haven’t posted them all, as people in my offline world read my blog, and I can’t face questions, yet.
When I’m at work, I feel like I’m carrying a deep dark secret around with me, and if anyone at work were to find out, I feel I would simply crumble into little pieces. I don’t want that. It’s currently 10am and I already feel that today has been mentally draining. Goodness knows how I’ll make it through the day without tears!
I had an interesting revelation on my way to work, this morning. Driving along the road, close to where I work, I felt relatively calm, considering how little sleep I had last night and how much I’ve got to worry about, this week. I looked in my rear view mirror, and instantly felt like I’d been hit in the stomach with a high-speed rugby ball. I felt physically sick. Why though?
In my rear view mirror, I saw that the driver behind me was someone I work with. Most of my current feelings are due to my job, but I’ve always pinned it own as the group of people I work with, in general. The fact that the individual I’d seen in my mirror had made me feel like this, opened my eyes to look at how the individual people in my office, treat me. I don’t want to say too much, just in case anyone stumbles across my blog, but it’s not nice having people make me feel physically sick. I put on Twitter a couple of weeks ago ‘it’s not what they say, it’s what they don’t say’.
The reality is, I am being bullied at work. How they ignore me on a daily basis; how they exclude me from daily conversations; how they forget to invite me to work-related outings and then laugh at me when I try to stand up for myself. They are bullies. End of.
I need to get out of this place, I know that. I’ve been looking for a job for the past 6 months and have had 11 interviews. Still no luck. My GP has offered to sign me off work but I don’t get sick pay so as far as I can see, I have no choice. You see, where I work it’s just me and one other person, and then the MD. That’s not the problem.
Here lies the problem. We are in the same office as another company (it’s confusing, but they both tie into one, in a way). This company currently has 6 females in that office. I’ve always said I don’t like working with girls – as a species, we are horrible, bitchy and two-faced.
Because my company is so small, we don’t have a proper HR department. If I want to talk to someone, it has to be the MD . He is also the MD of the other company. His ‘girls’ have worked there each for at least 10 years, and they are his favourite things in the world. If anyone said something about them, that person doing the telling, would either be out in a flash, or intimidated. That is my problem. There is no one I can talk to. And so until I find a new job, the non-existence in that office continues.



One thought on “Carrying my deep dark secret

  1. Hi Louise,
    I’m really sorry to hear that you are being bullied at work. Aside from all the other issues that come from being bullied it must also really mess with your control as well? I’m guessing that the other girls don’t even know they are doing it or that it is causing you to feel this way? I am no expert at all in this but have you thought about citizens advice bureau or some other service like that?
    On the job front have you tried the Civil Service? I don’t know were you are in the country, and don’t need to know, but they have a website where all Civil Service jobs are advertised. That is all grades in all departments. I moved from private industry to the civil service 10 years ago after being made redundant twice in 6 years and now I would not go back. At all. Ever.
    I hope you find a new job soon and you find one you like with a nice group of fun people who are supportive, helpful, and understanding of your diabetes.

    All the best,
    Chris Tall.

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