Carrying my deep dark secret

I have a confession to make. I’m currently writing this whilst at work, which is something I’m not allowed to do. However, at the moment, it’s a case of writing this, or breaking down in tears. I’ve found that my writing is the only thing that’s keeping me going, these days. I’ve written a lot of posts over the past couple of weeks, about how I’m feeling. I haven’t posted them all, as people in my offline world read my blog, and I can’t face questions, yet.
When I’m at work, I feel like I’m carrying a deep dark secret around with me, and if anyone at work were to find out, I feel I would simply crumble into little pieces. I don’t want that. It’s currently 10am and I already feel that today has been mentally draining. Goodness knows how I’ll make it through the day without tears!
I had an interesting revelation on my way to work, this morning. Driving along the road, close to where I work, I felt relatively calm, considering how little sleep I had last night and how much I’ve got to worry about, this week. I looked in my rear view mirror, and instantly felt like I’d been hit in the stomach with a high-speed rugby ball. I felt physically sick. Why though?
In my rear view mirror, I saw that the driver behind me was someone I work with. Most of my current feelings are due to my job, but I’ve always pinned it own as the group of people I work with, in general. The fact that the individual I’d seen in my mirror had made me feel like this, opened my eyes to look at how the individual people in my office, treat me. I don’t want to say too much, just in case anyone stumbles across my blog, but it’s not nice having people make me feel physically sick. I put on Twitter a couple of weeks ago ‘it’s not what they say, it’s what they don’t say’.
The reality is, I am being bullied at work. How they ignore me on a daily basis; how they exclude me from daily conversations; how they forget to invite me to work-related outings and then laugh at me when I try to stand up for myself. They are bullies. End of.
I need to get out of this place, I know that. I’ve been looking for a job for the past 6 months and have had 11 interviews. Still no luck. My GP has offered to sign me off work but I don’t get sick pay so as far as I can see, I have no choice. You see, where I work it’s just me and one other person, and then the MD. That’s not the problem.
Here lies the problem. We are in the same office as another company (it’s confusing, but they both tie into one, in a way). This company currently has 6 females in that office. I’ve always said I don’t like working with girls – as a species, we are horrible, bitchy and two-faced.
Because my company is so small, we don’t have a proper HR department. If I want to talk to someone, it has to be the MD . He is also the MD of the other company. His ‘girls’ have worked there each for at least 10 years, and they are his favourite things in the world. If anyone said something about them, that person doing the telling, would either be out in a flash, or intimidated. That is my problem. There is no one I can talk to. And so until I find a new job, the non-existence in that office continues.



10 things I wish people knew about my diabetes

As far as I know, nothing could have stopped my from getting diabetes
At the moment, there isn’t a cure for diabetes. As a result, I will always have to live with it.
I don’t get any breaks from my diabetes. It follows me round at work, home, on holiday, in the cinema, in nightclubs, in restaurants. It is ALWAYS there.
Whatever you’ve been told, I CAN eat that cake, if I want to…
Diabetes is very much a rollercoaster. I have good days and bad days, with my sugar levels.
Diabetes is invisible. Even I look ‘well’, I might still be having troubles.
I sometimes have to sacrifice my precious sleep, to check my sugar levels.
If I’m low, I feel tired, grumpy and not with it. If my levels are high, I feel tired, grumpy and not with it.
Millions of people could be like me, and have the condition, but they might not even know it.
Most importantly, diabetes doesn’t change who I am as a person. It simply adds to who I am.

A jigsaw puzzle

Diabetes is very much like a jigsaw puzzle, I’ve come to realise. All the different health checks we take as a result of our condition, all the things we have to consider on a daily basis – what food we are eating, what exercise we’re taking, why our sugars levels are what they are. Piece everything together, and you end up with someone who lives with and deals with diabetes.

Lately, I’ve not been able to fit my jigsaw puzzle together – a few pieces are missing. I had my retinal screening this week and that’s fine. I have healthy eyes and nothing to worry about just yet. I also have a check up with my DSN tomorrow, to look at my diabetes management in general. I think it is this impending appointment, that has made me realise and acknowledge that my jigsaw puzzle isn’t quite there, yet.

I’ve been struggling over the past few months, with my frame of mind. As a result, certain things have stopped. I’ve stopped going to zumba class. For whatever reason, zumba has quickly turned from being my favourite form of exercise, to my nemesis that brings on anxiety. I don’t know why, which makes it harder for me to overcome. As a result of not going zumba, all exercise seems to have stopped. I’m not happy about this. I know that exercise is good for the mind and good for glucose levels, but that doesn’t seem to be enough to keep on going. I felt especially guilty last week, as instead of zumba, I pigged out at Pizza Hut (the pizza was tasty though!).

Aside from the exercise, I’ve also stopped taking the care that I used to have, in recording my glucose levels. When I was first diagnosed with diabetes, I wrote every reading in a book. After completing the DAFNE course in August 2013, I turned to uploading my readings to the DAFNE site. This is still my preferred method for recording my glucose levels. It’s very useful to print and take along to my appointments with the DSN.

In a panic today, I uploaded my data to the DAFNE site. I hadn’t done this since 3rd October. Over a month. So for the past month, i haven’t noticed any patterns and hadn’t made any changes to my insulin. If I’m being honest, even now that I’ve uploaded the readings, I don’t know what to make of it. It seems that over the past month I’ve been running too high at breakfast, dinner and before bed. This could mean I need to make changes to my doses, but I can’t think what to do. I hope that the DSN tomorrow can shed some light.

Lastly, I’ve become lazy when it comes to both checking my levels and actually taking my insulin. This is perhaps the most urgent thing I need to pay some attention to. I know that I need to check my levels more frequently. I know that I need to make sure my doses are accurate – I’ve gotten into the habit of rounding up and down to the nearest unit. I don’t really need to do this as I have a half unit pen so Novorapid. I also know that I need to make sure I check my levels before driving. My reason for not recently doing so, is because all the occasions that I do check, I am more often than not, high.

Above all, I also know that I need to stop giving myself a hard time about my diabetes. I have acknowledged what I need to do to take better care, and if I have the support of my DSN, I can put my jigsaw puzzle together.

BG tremds