In the past, I have written a number of blog posts about ‘feelings’ and ’emotions’, but to be honest, I don’t like to publish them all. I get bored of reading my own rambling, and often think there’s no point in posting, if it isn’t going to be of any benefit to those who read my blog. I’m going to make an exception today, just because the past couple of days have been tough, mentally.
For the past 5/6 years, I will admit that I have struggled with all sorts of depression, anxiety, and just a general wish to hide away from the world. On a day to day basis, I do for the most part, push these horrible feelings away, and can get on with my life. There are some days though, when it seems like all the little things amount to something too big to control, and I end up wanting to crawl back in to my bed, and sleep until I’m feeling OK.
Today is one of those days. Today, I’ve felt all kinds of frustration, sadness, loneliness and anxiety. I’ll admit, I have burst into tears twice today, and I spent my morning finding excuses to be away from my desk. If someone were to ask me what was wrong, my answer would seem silly. It’s the little things, like having bad dreams during the night, no one commenting on my new hair style, people ignorant of my birthday at the weekend, my laptop at work not working, and someone telling me my new hair makes me look 10 years younger, when they know how much I despise being told I look young. So you see, nothing dramatic, nothing disastrous, just silly little things that wouldn’t matter if I was feeling a bit happier. Today though, this is all too much. I need a hug, my bed, a cup of tea and a good comedy to watch. Instead, I’ve been stuck at work, whilst my family are having a lovely day out in the sun.
There is a point to this post, beyond me simply moaning. I’m sure many people will agree that how someone feels, will affect their diabetes. In general, if I’m stressed or upset, my sugar levels go up, slightly. It’s not just my sugar levels that change, though. My focus on diabetes has certainly deteriorated, today. I tested this morning before breakfast, and I was 10.2. Higher than I wanted to be. Wanting to cheer myself up, I treated myself to a gluten free muffin, as a snack at 11am. I didn’t check my sugar levels, and I didn’t inject for it.
Confession time. I forgot to pack my test strips, this morning. This meant that even if I was going to bolus for the snack, I wouldn’t have been able. At lunch, I still felt incredibly grumpy, so I treated myself to a small quiche for lunch. I couldn’t check my sugar levels. I won’t be able to check until I finish work this evening. To be honest, I don’t care what my sugar levels are. I really don’t. Quite frankly, if anyone dares to criticise me for this, today, I will flip. I really will.
Maybe I need to find another way to cheer myself up, rather than the food treats. I should know by now that I take my anxiety and depression out on my diabetes. I need to stop doing this, as it makes me feel worse, mentally.
Any suggestions for cheering myself up, would be very much appreciated.