I just feel sad

Sometimes I feel sad, and I don’t know why.

I’ve read hundreds of books and written a zillion pieces of poetry, yet I can’t find the words to describe how I’m feeling. I JUST FEEL SAD.

Leave me alone, world. A phrase I’m more and more muttering to myself. Bad days are bad. I wish they’d leave me alone.

The bad dreams are haunting me, I’m too afraid to sleep. Sick of watching bad things happen, in my dreams. I’d rather put matchsticks in my eyes.

Writing it all down is supposed to be a relief. It’s not. It’s making me want to punch the computer screen, to be honest.

I wish I had a crystal ball. I want to know when I’ll stop feeling like this. I don’t want to wait for the good day, anymore.

I have so much to be thankful for, grateful for and excited for. But I can’t enjoy them. Not until the bad feelings have gone.

How I dread being asked how I am. The mask of happiness gets tiring, to carry round with me.

Not sure why I’ve written this, I just hope it helps me, in the near future.

 

And to anyone else who’s feeling down today, I hope tomorrow is a better day, for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Emotionally drained

In the past, I have written a number of blog posts about ‘feelings’ and ’emotions’, but to be honest, I don’t like to publish them all. I get bored of reading my own rambling, and often think there’s no point in posting, if it isn’t going to be of any benefit to those who read my blog. I’m going to make an exception today, just because the past couple of days have been tough, mentally.
For the past 5/6 years, I will admit that I have struggled with all sorts of depression, anxiety, and just a general wish to hide away from the world. On a day to day basis, I do for the most part, push these horrible feelings away, and can get on with my life. There are some days though, when it seems like all the little things amount to something too big to control, and I end up wanting to crawl back in to my bed, and sleep until I’m feeling OK.
Today is one of those days. Today, I’ve feltĀ all kinds of frustration, sadness, loneliness and anxiety. I’ll admit, I have burst into tears twice today, and I spent my morning finding excuses to be away from my desk. If someone were to ask me what was wrong, my answer would seem silly. It’s the little things, like having bad dreams during the night, no one commenting on my new hair style, people ignorant of my birthday at the weekend, my laptop at work not working, and someone telling me my new hair makes me look 10 years younger, when they know how much I despise being told I look young. So you see, nothing dramatic, nothing disastrous, just silly little things that wouldn’t matter if I was feeling a bit happier. Today though, this is all too much. I need a hug, my bed, a cup of tea and a good comedy to watch. Instead, I’ve been stuck at work, whilst my family are having a lovely day out in the sun.
There is a point to this post, beyond me simply moaning. I’m sure many people will agree that how someone feels, will affect their diabetes. In general, if I’m stressed or upset, my sugar levels go up, slightly. It’s not just my sugar levels that change, though. My focus on diabetes has certainly deteriorated, today. I tested this morning before breakfast, and I was 10.2. Higher than I wanted to be. Wanting to cheer myself up, I treated myself to a gluten free muffin, as a snack at 11am. I didn’t check my sugar levels, and I didn’t inject for it.
Confession time. I forgot to pack my test strips, this morning. This meant that even if I was going to bolus for the snack, I wouldn’t have been able. At lunch, I still felt incredibly grumpy, so I treated myself to a small quiche for lunch. I couldn’t check my sugar levels. I won’t be able to check until I finish work this evening. To be honest, I don’t care what my sugar levels are. I really don’t. Quite frankly, if anyone dares to criticise me for this, today, I will flip. I really will.
Maybe I need to find another way to cheer myself up, rather than the food treats. I should know by now that I take my anxiety and depression out on my diabetes. I need to stop doing this, as it makes me feel worse, mentally.
Any suggestions for cheering myself up, would be very much appreciated.
Thank you.

My week with a CGM

Since I was first diagnosed with diabetes in September 2011, I have struggled to maintain my hypo awareness. I categorically remember my GP laughing at me when I said I didn’t feel when I was low (Needless to say, I don’t feel I have the support from my GP, when it comes to my diabetes). At first, I thought it was something that could be solved, with a few weeks’ running a bit higher. I managed to avoid a hypo for 6 weeks, toward the end of last year. The first time I had a hypo after this, I had two hypos (3.2 and 3.4) within the space of 4 hours, and I didn’t feel either.

Last week, I was finally given the chance to trial a continuous-glucose monitor (CGM). A three month wait, but I’d like to think it was worth it. The aim was to establish any patterns in my sugar levels, establish any potential problems, and to monitor when my sugar levels get low. Commonly known as ‘sod’s law’, I didn’t have a single hypo, last week. The week before, I had had 6 readings below 4. Last week, was near enough perfect. Doh.

The sensor was a tiny plastic thing, taped to my stomach. The initial connection felt like getting your ears pierced – a quick pinch. After this point, I didn’t have any pain from the CGM, for the whole week. What I did experience however, was ITCHINESS. and oh my goodness, did it itch! It wasn’t so much the sensor, but the tape that was protecting it. I know a lot of people want to know what it feels like, so I’ll reiterate, the CGM did not hurt. However, anyone I saw last week, will be able to tell you, I was desperate to fight that itch. Scratching around the edges, trying to relieve at least some of the itch. The CGM made me very grumpy toward the end of the week, as I was at time, too itchy to sleep. No amount of scratching other areas/objects, slapping my skin, or flicking cold water over it, could ease the itch. I’ll be honest, on the third day, I did consider asking to have it taken off. My skin didn’t like this foreigner.

cgm

Contrary to this, there were times when I forgot I was wearing the CGM. It didn’t intrude in my everyday life, and even when I was wearing tight clothes, you couldn’t see it. This made me think that wearing a pump (though it is a little bigger) wouldn’t be so bad.

Seven days later, I had my appointment to have the sensor taken, and the results analysed. Things didn’t quite go to plan, for the fact that no one in the clinic knew the password to access the relevant software, to look at the magical data. 40 minutes later, I still had no idea whether the data had been collected over the week. Still, I was very happy to have it taken off.

I had been squirming all week about having the sensor taken off. I’m such a child when it comes to ripping plasters off, I imagined it was going to be a bit like this, with the tape that was covering the cgm. I was right. Except, the tape couldn’t be quickly ripped off. Imagine cling film being well and truly stuck down. Yup, it took forever, centimetre by centimetre.

Thankfully, I am told the CGM did collect all my data last week, and there is nothing outrageous that can be gathered. I haven’t seen the results in person, yet. (I’ll pester my clinic until I get them!) All I know at the moment, is that there may be some changes to my carb ratios in the near future.

Until then, I shall twiddling my thumb, waiting to hear more from my DSN…