A bad diabetes day

Today has been a bad day, and a bad diabetes day.
I woke up with a 5.4 before breakfast. This is a good level, but according to DAFNE, it should be at least 6.5 before breakfast. I didn’t complain, though.
Usually, I am pretty happy to get into work a little early, to start beavering away. I had a feeling this morning, that something wasn’t quite right. I seemed to be staring into space, tired and taking my time to load my laptop up. I thought it was just because I’d not bothered to put any make up on, before I left.
I recently split my Levemir, so I now inject at 9am. Just out of curiosity, I decided to check my sugar levels (I usually don’t bother, being so soon after breakfast). Hm. 14. Not particularly high, but high enough to make me feel unsteady. I’ve always said that I’d prefer to be low, than high. This is down to the fact that high sugar levels make me feel absolutely rotten. I don’t usually feel any different when I’m low.
I decided not to correct the 14, as I’d only taken my insulin for breakfast, at 7.30. I also don’t usually have any food between breakfast and lunch, so wait it out, I would. I must add here, this was the rational part of my brain speaking – the me that was suffering with the high sugar level, was ready to curl up into a ball (preferably at my desk or in the toilets) and burst into tears. High sugar levels make me feel so angry inside, and so out of control of my emotions. I have enough problems with my rollercoaster emotions, without diabetes sticking its nose in!
I slipped away to the toilet, I was starting to feel unwell. Maybe that would explain the high sugar levels. 5 minutes later, I have to say, I was crying my eyes out in the toilet and all I wanted to do was to go home. 20 minutes later, I was back at my desk, sitting silently (as always), as if nothing was wrong. No one seemed to care that I’d been away from my desk a while, so this made me feel even worse. I constantly struggle to put into words how completely awful diabetes can make you feel. With my work colleagues, I’ve given up trying to make them understand. Instead, I have to suffer in silence.
By 10am, my sugar level was 10. Slowly settling, but this didn’t make any difference to how I was feeling. I didn’t dare talk to anyone, knowing how angry I feel when I’m high. The one thing that made me annoyed today, in relation to my diabetes, was that I’ve made some pretty big (ish) mistakes in my work, as a result of not being able to concentrate (because of worrying too much about my sugar levels). I hate it when diabetes gets in the way of my everyday life. I really do.
Those who know me, know that I’m the saddo who eats her lunch in the car, reading a book. We have a tiny tea room, in which the three old men who have the same lunch hour as me, sit doing the Sun crossword. No thanks. My sugar level before lunch, bearing in mind I had no corrections, and had been 14 4 hours ago, was 3.9. This confuses me so much. How much is a person’s sugar level supposed to drop? In hindsight, it was a good thing I didn’t correct.
2 hours post lunch, I was 12.6. Once again, this brought tiredness a very strong urge to run out to my car, drive home and get into bed. I wish.
I don’t like to correct, because I feel like my body when it chooses to be, is super sensitive to insulin. I haven’t applied any corrections all day, and before dinner, I was back to 3.8.
After a terrible diabetes day, I’m reassured by my current level of 7.3. This is a nice number to go to bed. Thank you, body.
What a rollercoaster today has been. I’m ready for today to be over, now. Night x

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