I write this blog post, with two thoughts running through my mind – 1) we are half way through Eating Disorders Awareness Week and 2) I have sneaked a lovely little bar of white chocolate into my bedroom, with the intention of eating it tonight, and I’m not sharing it!
I’ve never had a problem with eating. Mum tells me I never used to take my milk when I was a baby, and I didn’t enjoy my solid food for a while. I have been reminded many times, how it took me an hour to eat a piece of meat, once. That, along with memories of my weetabix going cold, because I was such a slow eater.
Despite this, I really do love my food. I like to try new food, I like to cook, and I really can eat a lot, when I put my mind to it. As much as I like to say diabetes hasn’t changed my lifestyle, I think deep down, it has. Not solely because of my diabetes, my IBS is more of a hindrance than the diabetes, I don’t think I enjoy food as much as I used to.
If we’re playing a game of word association, you say ‘restaurant’, I say ‘anxiety’. So many worries are attached to the idea of eating out – will they have food that won’t aggravate my IBS? Will they be able to tell me what’s going into the food? What if service is slow and I have a hypo? How will I know how many carbohydrates are in that meal?
When I can, I like to look at the restaurant’s menu. If I can decide what I want to eat beforehand, that means I can calculate the number of carbohydrates in that meal. Of course, this isn’t going to be 100% accurate – different ingredients are used between restaurants, I may not want to eat the whole thing, difference portion sizes etc. SO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT!
I’m lucky in the sense that I haven’t suffered with an eating disorder. However, I do worry about what I eat. Which leads me to the second point. I cannot stop feeling guilty about the things I do eat. I know that I can inject insulin for the extra carbs that are in the chocolate or the cake, and experience tells me that I’m pretty good at estimating the carb content. However, I am anxious about the long term effects, even if it just once a week that I indulge. In all honesty, I think I am anxious because I have seen the consequences of ‘treats’ turning into daily occurrences.
They say treats are ok, in moderation. I’ve never been one to binge on chocolate (thank goodness I’m not a chocoholic!) but I do like the odd piece, melting in my mouth. From what I’ve learnt, craving a bit of chocolate every now and then, isn’t a bad thing. In fact, it seems quite normal! Maybe I should give myself a break, stop making myself think twice about everything I eat, and try to enjoy food, as much as I used to.
Yes, I am right in the middle of eating this bar of yumminess