It’s been a while since I wrote a blog post. Things have been crazy. Work is busy. I feel like I’m always ill. I seem to almost have a social life, now. Crazy times.
I don’t like to ramble about nonsense in my blog posts, so I’ve been trying to think of something useful to say, something meaningful to those who read my blog. I have to say, it’s been a struggle. Even though I’ve been busy, nothing spectacular has happened. Oh, and in case you were wondering, I still have diabetes!
I was having a discussion with Paul, yesterday. I can’t remember what we were talking about, but it made me remember a time in my life, that was really pretty rubbish for me. It was around the time that I was umming and aahing about quitting university. I was so incredibly lonely, depressed and upset every day of my life, in this period.
What I remembered yesterday, made me smile. When someone is going through a period of depression, everyone around you tries to comfort you, whether it be by making you socialise more, or leaving you alone, to think. As much as people try, it is very difficult to really feel how a depressed person is feeling. Everyone’s depression is different. Some will want to hibernate from the world, and will go days without speaking to anyone. Others will wear a mask of happiness, going about their daily routines. Some will turn to drink and drugs, further harming themselves.
Personally, I feel that over a period of 6 months, I had two very different stages of depression. For 3 months, I went through a phase of wanting to go out drinking every night, getting drunk and therefore forgetting my troubles. I had some great nights out with friends at uni during this time. I went to so many themed nights at the student union. I talked to so many strangers, who I normally wouldn’t dare speak to.
This phase only went so far though, and by the time it came to my birthday celebrations, I cancelled all my plans. I didn’t want to see anyone, I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to eat, drink, or be sociable. I just wanted to hide. And so I did. As much as I could.
Despite not having the energy to attend lectures or to do the revision that I desperately needed in order to pass my exams, I still had to go to work. Every weekend, I put on my mask of happiness and walked to work. 10 hour shifts on the checkout were not good for my mind. Too much time to think. It was enough to drive any normal person crazy. Goodness knows what it would do to someone like me.
I remember one old man, on a Saturday afternoon, who I refer to as my guardian angel. It was on said Saturday, that I was feeling particularly lifeless. I didn’t have anyone at ASDA who I could talk to. It was every man for himself at that place. Not a place for timid, miserable Louise.
So many times, I’ve heard the saying “leave your troubles at home, when you come to work”. Most of the time, my mask did hide my ‘troubles’. This Saturday, my mask must have been starting to slip. My guardian angel didn’t chat as he packed his shopping. He was polite, but it seemed like he knew I wasn’t in the mood for pointless conversations. As he left the store, he turned back to me and said “it does get better, you know.” And then I never saw him again.
During the 6 months so far that I had been battling with my mind and feelings, no one had ever said that it would get better. So up until that man said those words to me, I had felt like I was always going to feel this way. As far as I knew, I would always be lonely, I would always dread waking up in the morning, and having responsibilities.
Of course, that man was right. It took time. It’s true I’m not 100% there, yet, but I’m close. I thank that man, and everyone who was there for me, for getting me through that dark tunnel.
If you’re reading this, and feeling like you want to hide from the world, it won’t always be like this. There will be something or someone that/who makes life that bit easier to fight. From what I’ve seen, life IS worth fighting for.