Dearest body of mine,
Please consider this a formal warning, against your despicable behaviour. For nearly 3 years, I have had to put up with your ranting and raving, telling me you are in pain. Do you not realise that your pain is my pain?
I have tried to treat you well, but still you punish me. I have taken you to the doctors, I have given you more than your fair share of blood tests, scans and other investigations. Doctors blame your problems on my diabetes. I have taken that into consideration, and thus treated you very well. I don’t smoke, I have a glass of wine maybe once a year, I don’t eat takeaways, and I try to exercise (when you’re not being stubborn and won’t let me sit up without being in pain).
Don’t you think it was time you gave me a break? I want to get on with my life, rather than letting you hinder my plans! I am sick of you, body.
This is your final warning…
If you don’t sort yourself out soon, I’m taking you back to Argos, and asking to exchange you for a body that works. I still have my receipt, so do not think I am joking about this.
Yours Forever (sadly)