Feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders

Today has been a really horrible/tough/exhuasting day, from all perspectives. Work was hideous, due to certain people being complete arrogant pigs, and my own failings to do with work.

I’m not sure why, but I never sleep well on a Sunday night. I think I must get a certain level of anxiety of going back to work, after the weekend. I wish I could get over that, but it’s something I’ve struggled with for years, and it doesn’t look like it’s going to get any better. I can deal with that, I suppose.

What tipped me over the edge today, was my proposed ‘yeast free, dairy free diet’. My thoughts on this have changed so fast over the past over the past couple of days, I feel like my head is going to explode. Saturday, I think I was on a high. I couldn’t wait to get rid of everything in my body that was potentially putting me in this agony. Yesterday, I was feeling a little overwhelmed by all the food I was going to be cutting out. Today, everything hit me like a ton of bricks, and I fell. Metaphorically, of course.

I’ve been so lost in my thoughts today, that the world has whirled past me. As a result, I have felt like I’m the only one on this planet. The realisation that yes, if I get rid of the ‘intolerable food’, I could be on the way to recovery. However, at the same time, I beg to find someone who could do this easily. It’s bad enough, stressing over what I’m eating, and calculating the number of units of insulin I’ll have to give myself. Having to think about every little bit of food, whether it contains yeast, is a whole different ball game.

Take dinner, for example. My sister cooked a lovely concoction of chicken, noodles, herbs, cucumber, chilli, dressing, lemon & lime rind and juice. Scaled down to my dietary needs, I had plain chicken, noodles, cucumber and a bit of coriander. This was a lovely dinner, but what everyone else had, smelled absolutely gorgeous! The point is, why do I have to do this to myself, if it isn’t necessarily going to prove anything? I shouldn’t. I should feel like what I’m doing, is for a good reason. It shouldn’t stress me out. It should make me feel like I’m the only one in the world who lives like this. Give me a break, I had 2 eggs for breakfast; one step at a time, please!

Of course, it would be more manageable to do the yeast free & dairy free diet, if I had the support of a professional. I won’t get that help unless I’m diagnosed by a healthcare professional. So, as I was diagnosed by a homeopathy doctor, I don’t have that support from the NHS. Thus, I am alone in this.

To try to make things easier, I’m taking one step at a time. I’m starting with two weeks dairy free. No milk, cheese or yogurt. This is going to be tough, as I absolutely love all of these. However, if after 2 weeks, I still have trouble with my stomach, I know it isn’t the dairy that’s causing this amount of pain. And bam! I can bring dairy back into my diet. After that, I’ll cut out bread for two weeks, pasta for 2 weeks, and so on. Hopefully, I’ll be able to pinpoint what my body doesn’t like.

To me, this seems so much more sensible, than cutting everything out simultaneously. I don’t see how I’d be able to work out what causes the trouble, if I stop everything altogether. One thing at a time, lets me eliminate more specifically. I think this makes sense, but I’m in danger of over-thinking this topic now, I’ve drawn myself to tears over it. 

I know certain people don’t/won’t agree with my strategy, but at the end of the day, it’s me who’s suffering the consequences, not them. Sure, my family and boyfriend are there for me, and I love them  to bits. But they’re not the ones with the health issue. They could eat a lovely ham and cheese sandwich in luscious brown bread, without being ill afterwards.

I’m doing this for me, for my body, my health, mentality and humanity. I’ve waited nearly three years to feel like myself. Who knows how much longer it could be. As long as I get there in the end. I’m looking forward to be going out and having fun, rather than declining invitations, because I’m ill.




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